I Get By

150 Ways to Show Kids You Care… Unwind together. Copyright© 1998 by Search Institute

Friendship is one of the most important things in our lives. Friends help us figure out who we are and who we want to be. They help us decide what to do and how to do it.

In tough times, a good friend can mean the difference between weathering the storm or going down with the ship.

It isn’t that a friend has to be ready with all the answers when things go wrong. Often, just being there, and being willing to listen is enough.

What you don’t say, says a lot.

A friend who will lend an ear and let you know they care can make all the difference in dealing with a situation. At the same time, friends often don’t realize just how much influence they can have. A good friend can often be as helpful as a professional counsellor. Patiently listening to what someone you care about has to say (without expressing a personal opinion, becoming judgmental, or giving advice) is a hard thing to do. Add the emotional subjects of dealing with family or drug problems, and the art of listening becomes even more difficult.

Deep down, most of us know when we’ve made a poor decision, or got into a bad situation. Most of us don’t need someone to tell us the right thing to do. What we do need is someone to encourage us and help us explore new possibilities. Having a friend listen as we talk the problems out with ourselves can help the process along. You don’t have to have all the answers to help. You just have to have ears. There’s no magic involved. You can listen and you can help a friend find someone who does have the answers when the time is right.

A number of characteristics contribute to being a good listener and a good friend. Do you have them?

1. When times are tough do you really try to understand how someone else feels? Can you imagine yourself in your friend’s shoes? You can do the most good by listening with your ears and your eyes. Pay attention to what your friend is feeling by what they tell you and by what they don’t tell you. Encourage them to be open and honest and relaxed by not preaching or telling them what to do.
   
2. Are you able to accept your friends as they are? Without judging? We all react differently in different situations. It doesn’t help to try to force changes. Change comes from within and you can help the process along.
   
3. Are you patient and willing enough to really help a friend get his or her thoughts clear and see alternatives? Can you put yourself on the same wavelength as your friend so that what you hear will be what they’re actually saying? If you don’t understand, it is ok to ask questions like "is this what you mean"? Suggest and discuss ways of dealing with the problem.
   
4. Do you always offer support? Do you encourage positive action? Offering to be there lets a person know that they won’t have to take the next step by themselves. Provide direction to information and resources that may help your friend sort through the problems and make the first step. Stepping in too early and doing what someone can and should do for themselves won’t help.
   
5. Do you try to show your friends you believe in them? Put downs are pointless. Your trust and understanding are critical.
   
6. Can you keep a secret? Remember that the conversation is between you and your friend. Don’t share what’s been said. The trust, honesty and openness you’ve been working so hard to build is based on confidence. At the same time, you must try to realize when your friend is in a really dangerous situation and destructive state of mind. If, after all your listening, things just seem to be getting worse and more out of control, you’ll have to tell another person what’s going on.
   
7. Do you know when you need to talk to someone else about what your friend is going through? Can you sense trouble? If you suspect your friend is in danger (such as thinking of suicide or experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse), you have to let someone else know. If the talking and your listening don’t seem to be making the picture any clearer, or if your friend suddenly decides to stop talking and ‘forget’ it, you’d better get help. It’s okay to say that you’re going to involve someone else. Your friend may protest, but chances are, deep down, they know it’s time. A school counsellor or an adult you respect and trust is a good place to start.
   
8. Can you swallow your pride? Don’t kid yourself that you’re some sort of saviour. Not all problems can be solved and not all people want to be helped. If your friend wants to talk, be there. If not, make it clear you will be there when they’re ready. Don’t push it.
   

People have to work out their own problems. There are no quick fixes. You can’t repair someone else’s life, but you can provide some of the tools.